Below this depiction of a modernistical dictation device is a poem.
No, I Was Not Their Assistant If you have heard that I helped Matthew Arnold Determine what was that which was the best to have Been said and thought in the world (he claimed it was Culture) you have been badly misled, and you are sorely Mistaken if you are taken in by the chatter that it was I who suggested the phrase “sweetness and light.” You have likely been disabused of the commonplace Notion that I was Elizabeth Hardwick’s assistant by The recent publication of her actual assistant’s memoire, Although I suppose if we’re being specific in terms Of terminology, he was more like some combination Of apprentice, nephew, follower, and friend. I meant to be amanuensis to Milton but the job was already Taken, a family affair, and at any rate I was born too late. Several recent winners of the Nobel Prize declined To employ me as their assistant on the basis that I didn’t speak or read their language, which bordered On the discriminatory, but out of respect I let it slide. Faulkner’s people spoke to me about being his Posthumous assistant. In the end we mutually agreed That I was simply too “southern” and was thus somewhat Redundant. From Oxford I travelled to Milledgeville, Just to see what O’Connor’s people would say. “Flannery’s fine as she is.” Well, that was okay by me. It’s rather embarrassing in retrospect to admit that I lobbied to become Alice Munro’s assistant. It was A difficult time for me personally and at worst my idea Was to finagle a position stocking shelves in her ex- Husband’s bookstore. Speaking of bookstores, Ann Patchett has one, in which I also have never assisted. If I had my druthers, I’d have been an assistant to Somebody not British, exactly, but to someone who Had benefitted from a British education, with a sunnier Tropical outlook—Derek Walcott, maybe? It’s hard to say. Sunshine aside, famous people can get quite “churlish,” I’ve noticed, as far as who was educating what to whom. Seamus Heaney at least took it well, but then again I think he knew or learned Gaelic, and that mitigated The sting to a certain degree; if I had been blessed To become his assistant, it’s likely that I would have Asked him, but he was busy translating Beowulf, so It struck me as a good time not to bother the man. I never wanted much to bother poets. By all rights, poets Need assistants as much as they need editors—which Is next to none in my opinion. If a poet writes it, it’s A poem. They may need help with correspondence Or arranging for readings and travel. If I could go back In time, I’d do a world of good for Vachel Lindsay. Once I was walking down Broadway at night and I thought What the heck, let’s see if we can be of some assistance. There was another revival of Our Town on, so I asked After Thornton Wilder. We got our wires all crossed, But from what I could tell you had to be referred to as A “dramaturge,” which sounded like a colossal downer. Beckett was another one! That whole scene reminded me Of the only painter I ever tried to be an assistant to. After that I was done with painters. I won’t name names, But that painter made me feel so stupid. They won’t say Anything on purpose. They just dab and smear a bunch Of colors on a canvas. Assistant-wise, it made no sense. Although I have indeed assisted some lesser-known Artists, that was just “in a day’s work,” as the wags Will have it, or it was an accident of time and place. Sometimes you lose face in such interactions, though it is Hard to say how, precisely, but you can feel that your energy Was dissipated and an aspect of your soul was stolen. Now, it is true that I assisted Zadie Smith when she and I were younger, although in that case I would consider Myself a “factotum.” I xeroxed things, helped organize Events. Later they claimed there was a minor character Based on me in her novel On Beauty, but the guy in the book Was kind of a loser, so I never derived from it much profit. A few years ago it dawned on me that after all this Time, it might be nice to have an assistant of my own. So I put out a call and waited and waited. Finally I Figured I might as well become my own assistant. I think I aced the interview and now it’s just a matter Of patience. In the meantime, I’m taking free dictation.
—Andrew DuBois