BUFFY SAINTE-MARIE IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
20 Shocking Revelations About Other Musical Acts You Thought You Knew
Now that there’s a 9-hour Prince documentary that is being suppressed by whatever constitutes his disastrous “estate” these days, I figured I’d repost this parodic clickbait listcicle lark (over a year after first posting it—aka gestation time) in which his Royal Purple Awesomeness (but apparently ultra-controlling and not always so nice—no, you don’t say!) makes an appearance, and which a few of our readers claimed to get a kick out of, but which somehow vanished, but was retained in my “drafts.” Even though (or because) all the who-is-Buffy-really hubbub seems to have died down, I say, sure, why not.
Is Buffy Sainte-Marie who she says she is? We wouldn’t purport to know or to judge. What we do know, however, is that this rabid probing of a folk-rock stalwart’s identity has drawn scrutiny away from many other musicians who most definitely have something to hide. Below is a list of 20 such malefactors:
1. Kansas
Many listeners now know that despite having penned the hit song “Sweet Home Alabama,” Southern Rock frauds Lynyrd Skynyrd were really from the state of Florida. But did you know that the band Kansas was actually from Ar-kansas? Critics maintain that their manager insisted on a shorter name to better fit on venue marquees, and the “Dust in the Wind” and “Carry On Wayward Son” hitmakers caved in and began their life of state-based deception.
2. Prince
Although much mourned and still beloved, the truth is that musical genius Prince was not an actual prince. His real first name was Prince, it is true; but autopsy records prove that he did not have genuine royal DNA like Queen Latifah or King Gizzard from King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard.
3. Bob Marley
This worldwide reggae icon and author of such hits as “I Shot the Sheriff” and “No Woman No Cry” is widely perceived to have been a prolific user of marijuana. The long-suppressed truth is that although Marley would consent to hold a “joint” for photo shoots and even take a harmless “toke” to satisfy photographers, in private life he never touched the drug, reportedly saying to friends that it “made him feel funny.”
4. Judas Priest
A scouring of diocesan records shows that no members of this pioneering British metal band were actually ordained as priests. They are also reputed to be fairly loyal.
5. The Carpenters
Brother and sister duo Richard and Karen Carpenter had some of the biggest hits of the seventies, many of which are still in rotation on soft-rock stations today. But did you know that they weren’t really carpenters? According to insiders, neither of the siblings was even remotely handy with tools. In fact, some say that they would hire out work that any average person could do, such as hanging picture frames or simple asbestos abatement.
6. Boney M
Although staying true to their principles early on, success went to the heads of these “Rasputin” hit-makers and two of them actually got pretty fat.
7. Elvis Presley
Furious debate still rages over whether or not this “Jailhouse Rock” singer is truly The King of Rock and Roll, but most take it as gospel that an obese and drug-filled Elvis died while sitting down on a Graceland toilet. In fact, a coroner’s report pulled from the Memphis Department of Public Records proves that Presley passed away instead while standing up at a urinal.
8. Ice-T
Despite his cool and refreshing moniker, the rapper and longtime star of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, whose birthname is Tracy Lauren Marrow, is reported to start his day with a steaming hot cup of English Breakfast tea.
9. Bruce Springsteen
Far from being the “working class” paragon he has portrayed himself as throughout a lucrative career, this denim-clad songster was shamefully raised among the middle class.
10. Smokey Robinson and The Miracles
Though these performers of such hits as “Tears of a Clown” and “I Second That Emotion” created some of the most transcendent music in the annals of soul, Robinson and his purported “Miracles” can easily be explained through rational analysis and scientific inquiry.
11. Barenaked Ladies
The members of this Canadian quartet, best known today for penning the theme song to The Big Bang Theory, actually all identified as men rather than ladies and played the majority of their concerts while clothed.
12. Ozzy Osbourne
Viewers of his various Reality Shows may see this ex-Black Sabbath frontman as a harmless, befuddled father and henpecked husband. The stunning and profitable reinvention of the “Diary of a Madman” singer as a domestic teddy bear is at odds with the widely spread story that during an 80’s performance, a cocaine-addled Osbourne “bit the head off a bat.” Yet this easily punctured myth is based on a misunderstanding. Hard as it is to believe today, concert reporters once filed their stories via telephone from the venue before the show was over. What the journalist covering the concert actually reported amidst the noise was that the so-called “Blizzard of Oz” had merely “pet the head of a cat.”
13. The Smiths
Although operating for years under this popular moniker, the actual surnames of the band members were Marr, Rourke, and Joyce, while the lead singer, Morrissey, had no last name at all.
14. Bill Haley
Despite making his name in the fifties with the song “Rock Around The Clock,” scholars of popular music have done the math and found that Haley in fact averaged only about 2.6 hours of rocking per day.
15. Johnny Cash
In the later stages of his troubled but storied career, those in the know claim that the so-called “Man in Black” paid for most purchases with a credit card, in order to get the points.
16. Beyoncé
While she may be seen today as an indomitable force of nature who models for her millions of listeners a strength of will, creative fecundity, and feminist ferocity that is perhaps rivalled only by her iconic peer Taylor Swift, this powerful “Renaissance” woman is reputed by a confidante to have had a moment of self-doubt in October of 2003.
17. The Replacements
Though trading on a reputation as drunken rascally ne’er-do-wells, every original member of this Minnesota alternative foursome was a first choice to be in the band.
18. Willie Nelson
The weed-smoking “Red-Headed Stranger” who brought the Outlaw persona to Nashville and is always “On the Road Again” is, according to disgruntled family members, ambivalent about touring.
19. Jimi Hendrix
A bona fide guitar god who redefined the instrument, this shredder of such hits as “Purple Haze” and “All Along the Watchtower” was actually named the much less cool Jimmy Hendricks.
20. Frank Sinatra
Although adopted and raised by Italian-American parents in Hoboken, New Jersey, this popular crooner who set the bobby-soxers swooning and traded on supposed Cosa Nostra connections was in truth born on First Nations Territory, giving the lie to his spaghetti-and-meatballs persona. However, his tribal name was in fact Ol’ Blue Eyes.
—Andrew DuBois